What if we didn’t hate ourselves?
What would we wear?
What would we eat/not eat/ drink/ not drink?
Where would we go? Would we be more adventurous? Care free?
Who would we talk to/not talk to? Would we treat others the same? Allow others to treat us the same?
How long would we stand in front of the mirror? Would we avoid our own eye contact in a mirror?
Honest questions from a recovering perfectionist who has forced herself to SIT WITH these questions and answer them honestly and whole heartedly.
If I loved myself… I’d wear the same thing on a Monday as on a Friday. There’d be no skinny jeans or fat jeans. I could wear a tight pair of pants after eating tons of salty and sweet food the night before and not feel fat (which is really a disguised word for nasty or ugly.)
If I loved myself… I could sit with a decadent piece of chocolate cake and ENJOY it like a 4 year old… without judgement of myself or worries of my weight. I could eat it without worry that someone else is watching or engulf it as if someone may steal if from me. I could drink a glass of wine or a big glass of chocolate milk at 9pm and not worry about the calories or sugar. I could answer to what my body desires… vegetables, burgers, or Skittles and eat just til fullness.
If I loved myself… I would settle into the uncertainty of unknown faces and places. I would walk into any room, stage, place and feel it was my right to be there as much as anyone else’s.
If I loved myself… I could take bold responsibility for the way I REACT to the way others treat me. I could whole heartedly accept a compliment without the need to make an excuse or point out a flaw… “well it’s just the lighting is so good.” or “…no, no… I still have just 5 more lbs.” I could stand up for my beliefs in confidence and in kindness and not worry about acceptance or rejection. I could be me.
If I loved myself… I could stand in front of the mirror and tell myself I’m beautiful… and BELIEVE it. I would not feel the need to squeeze, to pull, to look away, or to compare. I could STAY in front of the mirror and simply be nice. I could observe my face and body with the same kindness and love as I have for my daughter’s.
UNWIRING myself as a person who needed to prove herself to herself and to others took me on a journey to understand what it means to have INNATE SELF WORTH.
To love myself in the same way I love my kids… irreversibly, completely, undeniably.
There’s not a thing they can or cannot do to make me love them more or less.
They are as they are and them changing, growing, maturing, getting good grades or bad grades, spilling food or forgetting to do chores… none of that moves my love for them up or down.
I might feel frustration or anger but the love… well…
It’s innate… instinctive, intuitive, inherent, and 100% steadfast.
“What… I am supposed to love myself… like this????” Yes!!!!
My messy journey has taught me I am to live inside my head and my body with that same compassion and respect.
I can mess up… like royally mess the hell up… and my worth does not move.
I believe as a coach it’s my job to not only show my nutritional and exercise journey… but hell… my head has played more games with me than my metabolism!!!
If I talk macros and deadlifts… I gotta talk mindset!
And if you’re wondering where all these rainbows and unicorns are coming from all of a sudden… it’s because this week I watched an amazing human unable to make eye contact with herself in the mirror. Not just once… but for an entire 50 minutes.
There’s no meal plan and there are no burpees or sets of squats than can work our mindsets!!!
It takes us laying our hearts out on the line for others... to say I’m holding space for you in my head and my heart and I know your pain really well. I’ve been there.
You don’t have to believe you’re beautiful today because we’re on this journey together and I’m going to carry that burden for you right now. And as we grow together and you trust me more and you trust you more I’m going hand you back pieces of YOUR “I’m a bad ass, beautiful puzzle” for you to put back in place.
And you may not know at first where they go.
And you may not even have realized those pieces were missing until you’ve re-discovered them.
And you may not always want some of those pieces back right away.
And that’s okay… the journey is really messy… but it’s also really worth it!!!
Gah… to slowly (and I do mean slowly) sift through all of the stories and scribbles and SEE your whole self and be able to look her square in the eye and feel nothing but love for her.