2012 was a year of abrupt and major change.
- Lawrence and I opened up sweatlocal.
- 24 hours later Lawrence lost his job.
- I got notice that my teacher certification had expired (so no backup plan.)
- I went from stay at home mom and “hobby trainer” with all the time in the world to full time business owner.
The ripple effects of that shift continued to shake our family well into 2013 and 2014.
Financially “starting over” is no joke.
In fact, it didn’t really feel like starting over… b/c when Lawrence and I first began our life together we had zero kids, no mortgage, no day care costs, no car payments, and most importantly…
NO STANDARD OF LIVING.
Right?!?! We were like fresh out of college life! We were young, wild, free and without much expectation of what this world “owed” us.
Our peers were beginning their lives and careers as well.
We were all in the same boat together.
By 2012 that was not the case.
As we were “losing it all” my friends were renovating kitchens, adding square footage to their homes, buying boats and second homes.
I, on the other hand, was visiting the bank weekly draining our savings to make sure we didn’t lose a home and kept food on the table.
Listening to my friends’ “problems” about whether to put dark or light slabs of granite on their new kitchen islands was so utterly out of my league I spent a good 12 months avoiding every possible outing I could.
I just COULDN’T relate!
It’s like when you have a baby and your friends are bitching about how tired they are because they stayed up too late drinking at the bar…
Their all “I’m so tired and sleep deprived!”
Meanwhile you’ve breastfed an infant 3 times through the night for the past 6 months so you just want to slap your girlfriends in the face b/c they actually HAVE NOT A CLUE what sleep deprivation really feels like.
Same with counter tops!
You don’t to rain on their home dreams parade but really… Is that what we’re calling a problem these days?
So for a long time I sat RESENTFUL of what I was going through.
And let me be clear… what I struggled with is child’s play in comparison to what others have gone through and are dealing with today.
I by NO MEANS want to give the impression that my suffering has much grandeur at all.
What I want to highlight is that MY PERCEPTION of my friends and my circumstance was exaggerated by MY INSECURITIES and MY LIFE LENSE.
My perception of them was a
REFLECTION OF ME… not them!
Full on Ownership.
Full on Responsibility.
It was in these 12 months that I realized how much of my personal SELF WORTH was wrapped up in my bank account, car, kitchen, house, vacations.
I felt ashamed, unworthy, annoyed, and angry not because ANYONE ELSE was making me feel that way.
I MADE MYSELF FEEL THAT WAY.
DAMN IT! Here I was believing I was really “a simple sort of girl” just because we lived within our means… without credit card debt, I didn’t buy expensive purses or spend lots of money getting my hair done.
Yet, when life threw me a curve ball and took away COMFORTS and LUXURIES (I felt entitled to) I wanted to hide… to retreat.
In other words…
I didn’t want others to see me
if I wasn’t at my best!
I was not so humble a person after all.
HARD PILL TO SWALLOW.
But I did. And truth be told… I needed it because before 2012, I just couldn’t see that I was existing simply to enjoy all the things this world offered me instead of ENJOYING ALL THE THINGS I COULD OFFER THIS WORLD!
Okay… so I can’t enjoy square footage in a house, a brand new kitchen, a new car, a week to Disney.
But aren’t I (and aren’t we ALL) so much more than all those tangibles?
- That’s when I threw myself headfirst into sweatlocal.
- That’s when I started writing honest and blunt emails.
- That’s when I showed up on social media as plain ‘ol regular me.
- That’s when I started being transparent about food and exercise struggles in my blogs.
- Hell… that’s when I started cussing again. LOL!!!
It was a lightbulb year …
1. where I took #radicalresponsibility for my thoughts and actions (check out Jill Coleman for more on this!)
2. showed up #imperfectAF and let the chips fall wherever they may
3. and learned to be grateful for the #unpinterestable parts of my life and body.
As it turns out learning to be authentic AT MY WORST, gave me more happiness and value than I ever imagined.
I may not be in charge of my circumstances, but I am 100% responsible for how I conquer them.
With all of that super personal and vulnerable info, you should know that this post is just the tip of the iceberg.
For anyone ready to descend themselves into some major mindset shifts like the ones above, I’m finishing up a 7 week, 7 minute journaling email series focusing on the 7 Deadly Sins of Fitness (and actually everything)…
Yup… Gluttony, greed, lust, pride, sloth, and the super juicy envy and wrath. How are they showing up and making you feel worse about your body, how you eat, what you eat, how you judge yourself, others, the bigness/smallness of your body?
I’ll be sharing with you my own personal stories and questions to uncover and yes… absolutely to TRIGGER your own worst struggles and turn them into positive shifts.
This email series is NOT for everyone btw… there are no free meal plans or free workouts involved.
This is all about head space… sitting in your worst… in the hopes of getting to your best. Join here FREE!
Everything begins Monday, June 5th and every Monday til July 17th you’ll get 1 email and 1 journaling exercise to flip your inner script.
6 thoughts on “When Resentment Changes Responsibility”
It seems like you were already at your best in 2012, but you did not realize it. Sometimes the layers have to be peeled back so that we can be exposed to our true selves. All of the outside influences are just stuff taking up space in our lives. You make it easier for people to show up to a group of people they have never met before, and try harder than they ever have because you created an environment of “who gives a f!@$”. No one feels like they have to be some perfect person walking into @sweatlocal. If feels fresh, raw, and you can feed off the energy of others when you have nothing left in yourself. We are all a work in progress. It’s a reason why some situations happen to some and not others. Everyone would not have been strong enough to come out “whole” on the other end.
Well that’s just one of the best compliments ever! totally agree that “some situations happen to some and not others” to evolve each individual. Great insight.
I love reading your posts. I need the truth you are sharing, both because it is a wake up call, and a breath of fresh air from all the pretenders I often feel are in my circle of motherhood. I find myself a bit sad that I didn’t know you during college when you and Lawrence were just dating. I feel like we’d be good friends. However, know that your process and your willingness to share it is not only encouraging those in your local circle, but those of us afar as well. Keep up the strong work! Not only for yourself, but for others.
Probably the reason I love FB and IG so much… lots of folks I didn’t get to know that I should have. Being an introvert has played against me in some ways for sure.
I just stumbled on your site(live in Cali and moving to the area next summer) this post is the most raw/real thing I have read in long time. “I didn’t want others to see me if I wasn’t at my best! I was not so humble a person after all.” This is how I feel most days when I am struggling with my weight and and the way you wrote that was a hard pill to swallow…I needed that, thanks for the inspiration and for sharing your story.
Thank you so much Jennifer!!! That means a lot!